The Weakling Gazette

In what’s becoming one of the most confusing sagas of the year, Donald Trump has changed his stance on the Epstein list once again. After initially claiming that it existed, then that it didn’t, and most recently saying the list has most likely been altered just to make him look bad, the president is once again changing his tune; this time saying the list does indeed exist, but it is only a list of cheat codes for Grand Theft Auto Vice City.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you but the list, and many people will tell you this, is nothing more than cheat codes, people. I tried them myself by spawning a golf car and making it fly. It’s true it was incredible you wouldn’t believe it. But someone like me would never use cheats those are for people like Crooked Hilary, Sleepy Joe, and Gay Mamdani.”, the president said on Tuesday.

For those who are unaware, Grand Theft Auto Vice City was a video game that came out in 2002 and had teens across the country either killing countless civilians in the streets or jorking their peni to the implication that they were banging hookers in the backseats of cars.

“It’s a very long list. I wish I could show it to you but we can risk Russia getting their hands on an infinite weapons cheat. Just imagine the chaos Putin could cause with that. Speaking of infinite weapons, we need to stop these mexicans from bringing their infinite weapons across the border. That’s why we will be strapping high powered rail guns to the backs of every ICE K-9 unit in the country.”

When we reached out to J.D. Vance for comment, he just complained about how Donald always makes him use the broken Madcatz controller with the missing left thumbstick. Not sure why we expected that guy to have something meaningful to say for once.