The Weakling Gazette

21 year old Marcus Willard is considered the GOAT of high school basketball, despite his many detractors attributing it to the fact that he was been in the league far longer than anyone else before him.

“I mean come on man, it’s fuckin’ bullshit. He owns a Little Caesar’s franchise”, says Daniel Johnson, a high school junior who plays power forward at rival school Palmdale High.

Marcus Willard hold the records for most points, most assists, most blocks, and longest tenure. The later of that which having stood since the late 18th century, as most students then go on to play in more advanced leagues or become contributing members of society. Marcus however, chose greatness*.

“I realized that if I never graduate, I can etch my name into the history books”, Marcus confusingly explains. Ever the divisive figure, he has not won an MVP award since his junior year; A snub he attributes to voter fatigue. “If it’s so easy to do what I do, why doesn’t anyone else just fail their classes and play basketball at a high school level?”

We asked Lancaster High School principal Donovan Beasley if he thought we’d ever see another player like Marcus in our lifetime, to which he replied, “I pray every night that we don’t. For their sake more than ours.”