In a move that we guess might eventually maybe but probably not lead to a step in the right direction, the NFL announced on Thursday that it will be taking steps to limit simulated violent and lewd acts as touchdown celebrations.
According to analyst Walt Anderson, acts such as pretending to shoot a gun and pretending to raw dog the guy you just tackled were up 133% during the observed point of emphasis.
When asked if they would be taking actions against players actively being sued or charged with sexual assault, domestic abuse, assault, battery, etc., a representative from the NFL said “Nah, fuck all that. If anything we’re going to continue giving these guys bigger and bigger contracts. Dudes rock.”
The representative then went on to pull his shirt up and show that he had a tattoo of a still image from the Ray Rice elevator tape over this heart. When questioned about why he would even geta tattoo of that, his only response was: “That’s nothing. Check out Bill’s. He’s got Ben Roethlisberger’s number on his entire back! Big Ben forever!”
The best case scenario is that this is some limp dicked version of a warning shot to let the rookies know that they’re not allowing this stuff anymore, but realistically if they’re still giving a platform to Michael “I stabbed my teammate in the throat with a pair of scissors over a seat at the barber shop in 1998” Irving, this is just theatrics meant to appease bible belters who are upset about seeing black people happy on their television screens.
Whatever the case, we can’t express how excited we are for the fantasy football season to start. Especially now that our number one picks will be safe from 2 more things that aren’t CTE!
The Weakling Gazette 
Leave a comment