The Weakling Gazette

Life sure comes at you fast doesn’t it? You spent years creating the perception that your taste in music was exquisite and convincing people that anyone who disagrees with you is a sheep but between work and relationships, now you couldn’t name a single current act doing anything that “matters”! Don’t worry, here are a few tips on where to go from here:

1. Stop taking yourself so fucking seriously

Here’s the good news: your music taste probably wasn’t ever actually that good. Different doesn’t always mean better and your friends have been trying to tell you that for years. Lighten up!

2. Find something else to be a dick about

Alright, alright. We know what you’re thinking on that first tip. “Nooo please I need a thing! I can’t be a person without a thing!”. Fine we get it. Consider picking up a new hot take to base your entire life around! Maybe insist that reverse searing steak is the only real way to do it now since “we’re not fucking cavemen anymore”. Perhaps we can interest you in a Trump flag or 12? How about getting really good at lawn care and then judging the shit out of anyone else’s (Bonus points if their lawn looks better than yours but you insist it looks awful). The possibilities are endless!

3. Gaslight people into forgetting you ever were a music snob

This one is our favorite. It’s really fun to go back and “start liking” the same pop music you used to shit on. If anyone calls you out on it, call them a fucking liar and insist there’s no way they know you better than you know yourself. Some people are going to fight you pretty hard on this one so just make sure you’ve got something unsavory on all of your friends; that way you can instantly invalidate anything they say by making them sound like a total piece of shit.

4. Double down! Insist the music you used to like is where music peaked

This one is the most common route, which is ironic when you consider how unique you insisted you were. But hey, no judgement here! We’re just like you! A fun spin on this one is saying the music you liked was so far ahead of its time. “What’s that? This is what music sounds like now? Well the new generation didn’t do it first so it’s derivative and also that just reinforces what I’m saying”.

That’s all we’ve got for now, but we’re confident that if you pick one of these steps and fully commit to it, you’ll be able to maintain that exhausting energy you’ve come to be known for. Good luck!