The Weakling Gazette

Local paper salesman Bob Baskins was found dead at the desk of his office Wednesday morning. An autopsy revealed that he had been struggling with sleep deprivation after one night 5 weeks ago where he drank a beer after 9PM.

“I told him it would it was a bad idea. I knew it wouldn’t end well when he said ‘Relax, one beer won’t kill me”, his widow Margaret told us, struggling to get the words out through tears.

According to his coworkers, he was kind of a dick. When we told them we didn’t really need to know that and asked them to comment on his death, they said they had noticed he complained about being tired lately but since he was such an asshole they just ignored him.

San Bernardino country coroner Bill Franken told us “Events like these are all too common. There was a recent study published that found it takes 3 weeks of immaculate sleep for anyone over 28 to make up for waking up in the middle of the night for 5 minutes.”

Police also checked his journal to see if anything else could have contributed to this tragedy but only found complaints from him that “David Byrne said I would wake up in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife but instead I’ve just been dissociating while playing flash games from my childhood at my desk. Fuck that guy.”

According to statistics, sleep deprivation is the number 3 killer of 30-40 years old, behind standing up too fast at number 2, and the undisputed champion, Pokémon cards.